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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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World Leaders Attend Mandela Funeral

President Barack Obama and all other living U.S. presidents as well as scores of heads of state from around the world gathered at FNB Stadium in South Africa today to pay their respects to anti-apartheid icon Nelson Mandela. What do you think?

  • “If anyone deserves a funeral, it’s Nelson Mandela.”

    Jay Osbourne Falconer
  • “Talk about star-studded! Italian Minister of Economy and Finance Fabrizio Saccomanni was there. Wow!”

    Mark Samuelson Cat Breeder
  • “I hope they all held hands. That would have been pretty cool, considering how famous everyone is.”

    Lydia O’Malley Livery Driver

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