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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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World Snake Population Drops

A study of 17 snake populations worldwide showed that the number of snakes had fallen dramatically in 11 of those populations since the late 1990s. What do you think?

  • "But what's going to bite me when I go camping?"

    Sarah Kane Pneumatic Tool Operator
  • "Maybe we needed a tragedy like this to wake us to man's wanton, unrelenting destruction of snakes' things-to-hide-under habitats."

    Robert Brett Systems Analyst
  • "Fortunately not in my pants! Where the viper eggs are hatching nicely."

    Jason Ash Nub-Card Tender

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