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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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World Snake Population Drops

A study of 17 snake populations worldwide showed that the number of snakes had fallen dramatically in 11 of those populations since the late 1990s. What do you think?

  • "But what's going to bite me when I go camping?"

    Sarah Kane Pneumatic Tool Operator
  • "Maybe we needed a tragedy like this to wake us to man's wanton, unrelenting destruction of snakes' things-to-hide-under habitats."

    Robert Brett Systems Analyst
  • "Fortunately not in my pants! Where the viper eggs are hatching nicely."

    Jason Ash Nub-Card Tender

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