adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

World To End Saturday

According to Harold Camping, the founder of Family Radio, the world will come to an end on Saturday. What do you think?

  • "Is there anything we can do to speed it up? My mother-in-law is coming Friday! Also, my boss is coming over for dinner that same night!"

    Derrick Kingsley Vitamin Handler
  • "He's probably close to being right. He is 89 years old, after all."

    Jennifer Dillon Subscriber
  • "Hmm, sounds a little fishy. I'm going to have to hear some Bible passages with extremely vague allusions and see some inscrutable numerology before I believe this."

    Lisa Grant Orchard Mogul

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close