World's First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

World's First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted

A hamburger made from 20,000 small lab-grown strands of cow muscle, which were cultured from bovine stem cells, was cooked and served today in London, though food critics described the burger as too lean and not juicy enough. What do you think?

  • “Pretty soon we’ll all be zipping around on our Segways eating lab burgers.”

    Liz Carr
    Rock Climbing Instructor
  • “Could a lab-grown Spicy Buffalo Chicken Griller be far behind?”

    Chip Butterly
    Mason
  • “Food critics are always eating hamburgers in their ivory towers.”

    Ricky Damazi
    Systems Analyst
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