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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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World's First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted

A hamburger made from 20,000 small lab-grown strands of cow muscle, which were cultured from bovine stem cells, was cooked and served today in London, though food critics described the burger as too lean and not juicy enough. What do you think?

  • “Pretty soon we’ll all be zipping around on our Segways eating lab burgers.”

    Liz Carr Rock Climbing Instructor
  • “Could a lab-grown Spicy Buffalo Chicken Griller be far behind?”

    Chip Butterly Mason
  • “Food critics are always eating hamburgers in their ivory towers.”

    Ricky Damazi Systems Analyst

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