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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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World’s Most Wanted Drug Kingpin Captured

Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, head of the powerful Sinaloa cartel, was captured this weekend by a coalition of Mexican and American police forces following a 13-year manhunt. What do you think?

  • “That’s okay; my buddy Steve’s got plenty of shit if you need anything.”

    Matthew Phillips Shipment Unloader
  • “‘El Chapo’ sounds so over the top. Why can’t he just go by ‘Chapo’?”

    Carrie-Anne Reisman Art Collector
  • “When it comes to international criminals, America always gets its man after a decade or so.”

    Barry Merkert Systems Analyst

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