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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Worrisome' Levels Of Arsenic In Rice

After testing more than 200 common rice products and finding “significant” and “worrisome” levels of inorganic arsenic, a toxin and known carcinogen, in nearly every item, Consumer Reports has urged Americans to curb their rice consumption. What do you think?

  • “Well, ‘worrisome’ is a relative term, just like ‘significant’ and ‘arsenic.’”

    Alex Atchley Hand Riveter
  • “That’s why my wife and I only ingest locally grown, organic arsenic.”

    Lori Finnegan EKG Technician
  • “People complain so much in this country. I’m sure there are plenty of starving children in Africa who would love to eat a bowl of arsenic.”

    Kevin Hanna Chauffeur

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