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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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'Worrisome' Levels Of Arsenic In Rice

After testing more than 200 common rice products and finding “significant” and “worrisome” levels of inorganic arsenic, a toxin and known carcinogen, in nearly every item, Consumer Reports has urged Americans to curb their rice consumption. What do you think?

  • “Well, ‘worrisome’ is a relative term, just like ‘significant’ and ‘arsenic.’”

    Alex Atchley Hand Riveter
  • “That’s why my wife and I only ingest locally grown, organic arsenic.”

    Lori Finnegan EKG Technician
  • “People complain so much in this country. I’m sure there are plenty of starving children in Africa who would love to eat a bowl of arsenic.”

    Kevin Hanna Chauffeur

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