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Worsening Tensions With China

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Worsening Tensions With China

Rocky military relations between the U.S. and China only worsened with NATO's accidental May 7 bombing of the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. What do you think about the deteriorating state of affairs between the two nations?
  • "Why should the U.S. have to take the blame for NATO's actions?"

    Janet Kuhn Speech Pathologist
  • "Look, there are an awful lot of bombs that need to be dropped. Can we really be expected to keep track of every last one?"

    Isaac Holt Systems Analyst
  • "China has every right to be upset about our slaughter of innocent Chinese citizens. We're cutting in on their action."

    Lydia Kedzie Graphic Designer
  • "This tragic bombing should teach us an important lesson: If you move, make sure to send a change-of-address notification to the CIA."

    Rupit Thalacker Cashier
  • "China's mad at us? Ah, so! Me so solly! Prease to accept aporogies! Hi, I'm funnyman Bobby Pryor—come join me Thursday night, when I'll be headlining at Tacky's Tavern on Pegler Road, next to Osman's Tires."

    Bobby Pryor Stand-Up Comedian
  • "China? That's not the country with the giant robots, is it? Whew."

    Alexander Gulden Real-Estate Developer

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