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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Worsening Tensions With China

Rocky military relations between the U.S. and China only worsened with NATO's accidental May 7 bombing of the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. What do you think about the deteriorating state of affairs between the two nations?
  • "Why should the U.S. have to take the blame for NATO's actions?"

    Janet Kuhn Speech Pathologist
  • "Look, there are an awful lot of bombs that need to be dropped. Can we really be expected to keep track of every last one?"

    Isaac Holt Systems Analyst
  • "China has every right to be upset about our slaughter of innocent Chinese citizens. We're cutting in on their action."

    Lydia Kedzie Graphic Designer
  • "This tragic bombing should teach us an important lesson: If you move, make sure to send a change-of-address notification to the CIA."

    Rupit Thalacker Cashier
  • "China's mad at us? Ah, so! Me so solly! Prease to accept aporogies! Hi, I'm funnyman Bobby Pryor—come join me Thursday night, when I'll be headlining at Tacky's Tavern on Pegler Road, next to Osman's Tires."

    Bobby Pryor Stand-Up Comedian
  • "China? That's not the country with the giant robots, is it? Whew."

    Alexander Gulden Real-Estate Developer

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