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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Worst Flu Season In A Decade

With cities reporting as many as 10 times the number of cases as last year and a dwindling number of hospital beds, authorities have warned that this year’s flu season will be the worst in a decade, and that it has yet to reach its peak. What do you think?

  • “The flu! It’s perfect! I’ll tell Terry I have the flu!”

    Carie Lerner Systems Analyst
  • “Elderly people are especially prone to contracting the virus, so hopefully they spend the rest of the winter holed up alone in their old, empty apartments, devoid of human contact and staring silently out into the cold.”

    Hoyt Beddor Blood Tester
  • “Maybe if I start vomiting and sweating now I can fool the viruses into thinking I’m already one of theirs.”

    Bud Yeatman Mushroom Packer
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