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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Worst Flu Season In A Decade

With cities reporting as many as 10 times the number of cases as last year and a dwindling number of hospital beds, authorities have warned that this year’s flu season will be the worst in a decade, and that it has yet to reach its peak. What do you think?

  • “The flu! It’s perfect! I’ll tell Terry I have the flu!”

    Carie Lerner Systems Analyst
  • “Elderly people are especially prone to contracting the virus, so hopefully they spend the rest of the winter holed up alone in their old, empty apartments, devoid of human contact and staring silently out into the cold.”

    Hoyt Beddor Blood Tester
  • “Maybe if I start vomiting and sweating now I can fool the viruses into thinking I’m already one of theirs.”

    Bud Yeatman Mushroom Packer

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