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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Would-Be Ford Assassin Released

After 34 years in prison, former Manson family member Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme was released from prison today. What do you think?
  • "Looks like Ford really dodged a bullet with that death of his a few years back."

    Paul Hart Systems Analyst
  • "I wish her well, though I have no idea what she will do on the outside. About the only employment she qualifies for is a small acting role in a John Waters film."

    Leah Norton Radiologist
  • "It's just as Charles predicted. The prophecy of Squeaky’s imprisonment and release were encoded in the Beatles' "Savoy Truffle." Helter Skelter is nearly upon us!"

    Lee Frisco Hudgess Drifter

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