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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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W's First Hundred Days

On Monday, George W. Bush reached the 100-day mark of his presidency. What do you think of the job he's done so far?
  • "So much has happened these past 100 days. Let's see, there was the Clinton-pardon thing, the Clinton-furniture thing, the Clinton-in-Harlem thing..."

    Alan Choudhury Electrician
  • "Has it been 100 days already? Wow, it seems like only yesterday that Bush cut off funding for overseas abortion providers."

    Danielle Ormond Art Dealer
  • "Oh, Christ. I'm supposed to have an opinion on Bush's first 100 days? Geez, I dunno, what all did he do?"

    Pete Terrell Cab Driver
  • "Since Gore really won the election, I've only been following what he's been doing these past 100 days. It hasn't been much."

    Rodger LaPierre Systems Analyst
  • "Well, he did lower drinking-water standards, revive hostilities with China, and endanger the budget surplus, so I guess that's all good."

    Mary Ellen Bolz Guidance Counselor
  • "Sixty-three percent of the American people approve of the job Bush is doing. Then again, 98 percent of the American people are fucking morons."

    Rick Dandridge Chemical Engineer

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