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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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W's First Hundred Days

On Monday, George W. Bush reached the 100-day mark of his presidency. What do you think of the job he's done so far?
  • "So much has happened these past 100 days. Let's see, there was the Clinton-pardon thing, the Clinton-furniture thing, the Clinton-in-Harlem thing..."

    Alan Choudhury Electrician
  • "Has it been 100 days already? Wow, it seems like only yesterday that Bush cut off funding for overseas abortion providers."

    Danielle Ormond Art Dealer
  • "Oh, Christ. I'm supposed to have an opinion on Bush's first 100 days? Geez, I dunno, what all did he do?"

    Pete Terrell Cab Driver
  • "Since Gore really won the election, I've only been following what he's been doing these past 100 days. It hasn't been much."

    Rodger LaPierre Systems Analyst
  • "Well, he did lower drinking-water standards, revive hostilities with China, and endanger the budget surplus, so I guess that's all good."

    Mary Ellen Bolz Guidance Counselor
  • "Sixty-three percent of the American people approve of the job Bush is doing. Then again, 98 percent of the American people are fucking morons."

    Rick Dandridge Chemical Engineer

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