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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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WTC Freedom Center Canceled

New York Governor George Pataki has canceled plans for the Freedom Center museum at ground zero, saying it was the cause of too much controversy. What do you think?
  • "It's nice to know that Americans can once again unite behind not doing something after 9/11."

    Lynn Ronaldt Flight Attendant
  • "If people listened to my idea for the Freedom Center design, we'd already have this thing built and balanced on the Statue of Liberty's torch with the hot tub all warmed up."

    Hoke Redfield Systems Analyst
  • "You've got to admit, this proposed center's focus on 'freedom' does sound pretty controversial."

    Paul Grangeford Fluid Dynamics Technician

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