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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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WTC Freedom Center Canceled

New York Governor George Pataki has canceled plans for the Freedom Center museum at ground zero, saying it was the cause of too much controversy. What do you think?
  • "It's nice to know that Americans can once again unite behind not doing something after 9/11."

    Lynn Ronaldt Flight Attendant
  • "If people listened to my idea for the Freedom Center design, we'd already have this thing built and balanced on the Statue of Liberty's torch with the hot tub all warmed up."

    Hoke Redfield Systems Analyst
  • "You've got to admit, this proposed center's focus on 'freedom' does sound pretty controversial."

    Paul Grangeford Fluid Dynamics Technician
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