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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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WTC Freedom Center Canceled

New York Governor George Pataki has canceled plans for the Freedom Center museum at ground zero, saying it was the cause of too much controversy. What do you think?
  • "It's nice to know that Americans can once again unite behind not doing something after 9/11."

    Lynn Ronaldt Flight Attendant
  • "If people listened to my idea for the Freedom Center design, we'd already have this thing built and balanced on the Statue of Liberty's torch with the hot tub all warmed up."

    Hoke Redfield Systems Analyst
  • "You've got to admit, this proposed center's focus on 'freedom' does sound pretty controversial."

    Paul Grangeford Fluid Dynamics Technician
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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