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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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WTC Rebuild Delayed

Due to the office-space slump, it may take up to three decades to rebuild on the World Trade Center site. What do you think?
  • "Thirty years? Has anyone suggested giving up yet?"

    Connor Breegan Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, good, that will give them the opportunity to build that big memorial park the developers had argued would be a waste of money because the land is so valuable."

    Ellen Perroni Piano Teacher
  • “Can they at least put up one of those ‘Coming Soon’ billboards in the meantime?”

    Joe Horowitz Jack Strip Assembler

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