WTO May Accept Russia

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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WTO May Accept Russia

If negotiations go smoothly, Russia may be invited to join the World Trade Organization in 2006. What do you think?
  • "It's amazing that, with an economy that large, Russia isn't already in the WTO. Is it because they only import stolen cars and export mail-order brides?"

    Joy Hess Systems Analyst
  • "After all the bullshit they put James Bond through, those Russians have a lot of nerve expecting us to become their trade allies."

    Clinton Chan Clerk
  • "Does this mean cheaper vodka? Because, honestly, that's the last thing I need."

    Ken Dorsey Logger
  • "I'm starting my own Joe's Trade Organization, and it would be a real feather in my cap to snag Russia first."

    Joe Roach Editor
  • "Allowing a country like Russia to join the organization would make a mockery of whatever it is the WTO stands for."

    Neil Hood Police Chief
  • "Why is this an issue? Evil Communist Russians have been a part of the WWE since the '80s."

    Allison Church Midwife

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