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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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WTO May Accept Russia

If negotiations go smoothly, Russia may be invited to join the World Trade Organization in 2006. What do you think?
  • "It's amazing that, with an economy that large, Russia isn't already in the WTO. Is it because they only import stolen cars and export mail-order brides?"

    Joy Hess Systems Analyst
  • "After all the bullshit they put James Bond through, those Russians have a lot of nerve expecting us to become their trade allies."

    Clinton Chan Clerk
  • "Does this mean cheaper vodka? Because, honestly, that's the last thing I need."

    Ken Dorsey Logger
  • "I'm starting my own Joe's Trade Organization, and it would be a real feather in my cap to snag Russia first."

    Joe Roach Editor
  • "Allowing a country like Russia to join the organization would make a mockery of whatever it is the WTO stands for."

    Neil Hood Police Chief
  • "Why is this an issue? Evil Communist Russians have been a part of the WWE since the '80s."

    Allison Church Midwife

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