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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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.xxx Rejected

ICANN, the U.S.-based corporation that assigns Internet domain names, rejected the designation ".xxx" earlier this month under pressure from conservative American lawmakers. What do you think?
  • "I'm glad they rejected it. It's not specific enough. What we need are designations like .asian or .shaved so we can really get what we're after."

    Frank Schwarz Eye Surgeon
  • "This will only hinder the online advertising for my cartoon jugs of hillbilly moonshine."

    Jerry Henderson Policeman
  • "If you can tell me a three-letter combination out there that isn't sexually suggestive, I'd love to hear it."

    Heather Donnely Shoemaker's Assistant

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