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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Yahoo! Lays Off 14% Of Workforce

Internet giant Yahoo! announced it would lay off 2,000 workers in order to save $375 million annually. What do you think?

  • "So long as they don’t ax the person who keeps me up-to-date on the Kardashians when I go to check my e-mail."

    Kristen Gordon Systems Analyst
  • "Internet business is hard. I've had to fire my wife 10 times over the past year."

    Evan Fox Shaft Mechanic
  • "Thankfully, given the renewed unsustainable bubble in Internet stocks, they should be able to quickly find new jobs with disastrously overvalued companies like Groupon, Yelp, or Zynga for a couple months before being fired again."

    Stuart Herman Laboratory Assistant
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