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Yeltsin's Failing Health

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Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Yeltsin's Failing Health

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?
  • "My grandpa got sick and old and died. You don't think the same thing could happen to Yeltsin, do you?"

    Laurence Grieg Financial Planner
  • "Maybe the U.S. could send him some coloring books to cheer him up."

    Walt Huber City Councilman
  • "The rising popularity of the Russian folk song, 'Where is Yeltsin? Is He In the Cupboard?' is indicative of these troubled times."

    Cheryl Coogan Gaffer
  • "I only wish I'd responded to his letters and answered his calls. Now the poor man's dying of a broken heart."

    Bill Kent Tax Attorney
  • "As one of Russia's top physicians, I'd recommend Yeltsin reduce his beef intake to four giant helpings a day."

    Lenore Post Systems Analyst
  • "USA! USA! Hey, if Yeltsin doesn't like it here, he can fuckin' move to Russia."

    Peter Frankowicz Housesitter

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