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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Young Adults, Teens Having Less Sex

According to a survey by the Guttmacher Institute, the number of teens and young adults who report they've never had intercourse has risen substantially. What do you think?

  • "Getting laid doesn’t hold the sway it used to over UC Berkeley early admission."

    Ira Brown Machine Fastener
  • "Well, maybe they're finally realizing that just hanging out and listening to FLY 92.6 while studying for your bio-chem test can be just as stimulating as getting fingered in the woods."

    Laura Caro Yield-Loss Inspector
  • "This is obviously the fault of Hollywood. How are teens supposed to figure out how to do it in this multiplex desert barren of raucous teen sex comedies?"

    Jeff Finn Edge Setter

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