adBlockCheck

Recent News

Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Young Adults, Teens Having Less Sex

According to a survey by the Guttmacher Institute, the number of teens and young adults who report they've never had intercourse has risen substantially. What do you think?

  • "Getting laid doesn’t hold the sway it used to over UC Berkeley early admission."

    Ira Brown Machine Fastener
  • "Well, maybe they're finally realizing that just hanging out and listening to FLY 92.6 while studying for your bio-chem test can be just as stimulating as getting fingered in the woods."

    Laura Caro Yield-Loss Inspector
  • "This is obviously the fault of Hollywood. How are teens supposed to figure out how to do it in this multiplex desert barren of raucous teen sex comedies?"

    Jeff Finn Edge Setter
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close