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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Young Americans Fueling Nation’s Yogurt Craze

While overall dairy consumption has remained consistent, yogurt sales in the United States have more than doubled since 2001, a nationwide craze that has been driven largely by those aged 18 to 34. What do you think?

  • “Tell me about it. Everything out of their mouths these days is ‘Twitter this’ and ‘yogurt that.’”

    Randy Grinaldi Head Irrigator
  • “Kids today! You just never know what kind of bacteria they’re going to start shoveling into their mouths next.”

    Pam Braggs Blanket Cutter
  • “This sounds like a backlash against older folks jumping on that oral sex trend the young people had a few years back.”

    Carlos Martinez Inventory Transcriber

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