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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Young E-Cigarette Users Less Likely To Quit Smoking

According to a new study from researchers at the University of California San Francisco, middle and high school students who use electronic cigarettes are more likely to smoke real cigarettes and be heavier smokers than those who don’t. What do you think?

  • “What’s wrong with kids today? I never needed any fancy electronic cigarettes to get me to smoke more.”

    Dennis Zager Shipment Coordinator
  • “That’s why I made my daughter smoke a whole battery pack of e-cigs to turn her off the habit.”

    Bob Durand Credit Analyst
  • “I told my kid they were bad for him, but did he listen? No, he just kept blowing not-smoke in my face.”

    Justine Schneider Photography Instructor

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