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Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Youth Sports, Adult Violence

The past year has seen a surge in adult violence at youth sporting events, including the beating death of a hockey coach by a player's father. What do you think?
  • "Why are these grown men hitting each other? They should be hitting the kid who blew the game."

    Marty Behr Systems Analyst
  • "This parental aggression is spreading into other youth activities, as well. I took a knee to the kidney when my daughter forgot her Christmas-pageant lines."

    Joan Weitz Homemaker
  • "Hey, if you'd seen that ref's call, we'd have been fighting over the shotgun."

    Damian Thomas Forklift Operator
  • "Ask me that question again. Go ahead. I fuckin' dare you, you fucking piece of shit."

    Bob Bryson Sales Coordinator
  • "I blame the cheerleaders. They're the ones stirring people to violence with that 'Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!' cheer."

    Dina Sargento Social Worker
  • "What better way to impart to our children the important life lesson, 'Do as I say, not as I do'?"

    Omar Husserl Glazier

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