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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Zero Percent Of Lesbian-Raised Children Report Abuse

According to a study from the UCLA, zero percent of children who were raised by a lesbian couple reported being victims of physical or sexual abuse. What do you think?

  • "Give me a second—I'm sure I can figure out how a little bit of child abuse is all part of God's plan."

    Susie Washam Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but 100 percent of those kids’ parents are total lesbians."

    Kevin Bradford Meat inspector
  • "Based on my knowledge, they probably don't have much time to interact with their children at all given that they're always slowly taking off each other's matching cheerleader uniforms or playfully sudsing one another up."

    Kevin Sims Interline Clerk

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