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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Zero Percent Of Lesbian-Raised Children Report Abuse

According to a study from the UCLA, zero percent of children who were raised by a lesbian couple reported being victims of physical or sexual abuse. What do you think?

  • "Give me a second—I'm sure I can figure out how a little bit of child abuse is all part of God's plan."

    Susie Washam Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but 100 percent of those kids’ parents are total lesbians."

    Kevin Bradford Meat inspector
  • "Based on my knowledge, they probably don't have much time to interact with their children at all given that they're always slowly taking off each other's matching cheerleader uniforms or playfully sudsing one another up."

    Kevin Sims Interline Clerk

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