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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Zero Percent Of Lesbian-Raised Children Report Abuse

According to a study from the UCLA, zero percent of children who were raised by a lesbian couple reported being victims of physical or sexual abuse. What do you think?

  • "Give me a second—I'm sure I can figure out how a little bit of child abuse is all part of God's plan."

    Susie Washam Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but 100 percent of those kids’ parents are total lesbians."

    Kevin Bradford Meat inspector
  • "Based on my knowledge, they probably don't have much time to interact with their children at all given that they're always slowly taking off each other's matching cheerleader uniforms or playfully sudsing one another up."

    Kevin Sims Interline Clerk

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