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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Zimmerman Appears Uninjured In Video

In a surveillance video of assailant George Zimmerman from the night of the Trayvon Martin shooting, Zimmerman does not appear to be bloody or injured, raising questions about his story of being attacked and beaten by Martin. What do you think?

  • "Perhaps the Sanford police should consider switching to the Canon Legria HF G10, which shoots 1920 by 1080 high-def video with an optional 25p frame rate for a truly cinematic look."

    Darby Villechaize Home Attendant
  • "Okay, fine. Let’s assume Trayvon Martin didn’t attack George Zimmerman. Does that make him any less black?"

    Chuck Tyrrell Sanitarian
  • "A new clue! This horrific tragedy keeps getting better and better!"

    Peggy Lindley Unemployed

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