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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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'04-'05 NHL Lockout Enters Ninth Year

NEW YORK—A little less than a decade ago, hockey fans were blessed with a slate of games every night, but on Thursday sources confirmed that for the ninth consecutive year NHL players have been locked out, with very slim hopes of an agreement in sight. “It seems like just yesterday Martin St. Louis and his Lightning teammates were raising the Stanley Cup,” high school hockey coach and onetime ESPN analyst Barry Melrose said. “Obviously, I’m still hoping the two sides can come together and reach an agreement, but I’m starting to think nobody really misses hockey anymore. Nope. Nobody but old Barry. I’d still love to catch an Atlanta Thrashers game.” Observers have noted that when arena doors do reopen, the NHL will face the perhaps greater challenge of convincing fans to return to hockey instead of watching more popular sports like football, basketball, baseball, and SlamBall.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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