Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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10-Month-Old Pug Worried Upon Reaching Age When Father Developed Debilitating Breathing Problems

BEAVER, PA—Frequently taking deep breaths to test his lung capacity, a local 10-month-old pug was reportedly worried Thursday upon reaching the age where his father developed debilitating respiratory problems. “You can’t help but be concerned when you realize you’re the exact same age your dad was when he started wheezing all the time,” said the pug, explaining how his fears were made all the more unsettling by memories of his father being able to climb no more than three steps before needing to lie down for 15 minutes just to catch his breath. “I didn’t worry when these problems seemed so far away, but now the day when I can’t walk from the kitchen to the living room without an attack of snorting is right around the corner. It’s like you start closing in on 1 year old, and everything just falls apart.” At press time, the pug had been spared his father’s breathing issues and instead was nearly immobile from hip dysplasia.

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