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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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10-Month-Old Pug Worried Upon Reaching Age When Father Developed Debilitating Breathing Problems

BEAVER, PA—Frequently taking deep breaths to test his lung capacity, a local 10-month-old pug was reportedly worried Thursday upon reaching the age where his father developed debilitating respiratory problems. “You can’t help but be concerned when you realize you’re the exact same age your dad was when he started wheezing all the time,” said the pug, explaining how his fears were made all the more unsettling by memories of his father being able to climb no more than three steps before needing to lie down for 15 minutes just to catch his breath. “I didn’t worry when these problems seemed so far away, but now the day when I can’t walk from the kitchen to the living room without an attack of snorting is right around the corner. It’s like you start closing in on 1 year old, and everything just falls apart.” At press time, the pug had been spared his father’s breathing issues and instead was nearly immobile from hip dysplasia.

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