Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

10-Month-Old Pug Worried Upon Reaching Age When Father Developed Debilitating Breathing Problems

BEAVER, PA—Frequently taking deep breaths to test his lung capacity, a local 10-month-old pug was reportedly worried Thursday upon reaching the age where his father developed debilitating respiratory problems. “You can’t help but be concerned when you realize you’re the exact same age your dad was when he started wheezing all the time,” said the pug, explaining how his fears were made all the more unsettling by memories of his father being able to climb no more than three steps before needing to lie down for 15 minutes just to catch his breath. “I didn’t worry when these problems seemed so far away, but now the day when I can’t walk from the kitchen to the living room without an attack of snorting is right around the corner. It’s like you start closing in on 1 year old, and everything just falls apart.” At press time, the pug had been spared his father’s breathing issues and instead was nearly immobile from hip dysplasia.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.