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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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10 O’Clock News Team Relying Heavily On Work Of 6 O’Clock News Team

AMARILLO, TX—Despite claims from the TV news outlet to offer "nonstop news" and "coverage you can count on," an Onion investigation has uncovered hundreds of instances in which KAMR Channel 4 10 O’Clock Eyewitness News team relied almost exclusively on news reports, weather forecasts, and even special-interest features already generated by the station’s 6 O’Clock Eyewitness News team.

The investigation found that 10 O’Clock News Team is in fact not the "team you can trust."

In an examination of 98 consecutive prime-time and late-night broadcasts, including dozens more nationwide, the Amarillo-based station—the region’s self-styled "News Leader"—repeatedly ran pieces for its Health Beat, Pet Patrol, and Bargain Busters segments in both evening news slots, and regularly relayed the same weather updates and traffic reports up to 15 times a day. KAMR even routinely rehashed 6 p.m. footage for seemingly urgent "breaking news" reports, most recently the Plum Creek Nursing Home power outage and the Bonham Middle School roof collapse.

In an April incident involving the 10 p.m. recap of a local Cancer Fun Run, anchor Andy Justus read almost the exact same copy introducing the piece as he had just four hours earlier, while reporter Shalandys Anderson altered only one word between broadcasts, changing "heartwarming" to "inspiring."

"If they’re ‘on our side,’ as they claim, what, then, is a purportedly professional news team doing in the four hours between broadcasts?" Amarillo resident and frequent local-news viewer Mark Jette said.

During another 10 p.m. broadcast, "live continuing coverage" from reporter Matt Orlando of a two-alarm Elwood Park house fire consisted almost wholly of previously aired footage of the firefighters in action. The lack of updated footage disappointed viewers such as Hereford, TX’s Kelly Byer, whose mild curiosity about the blaze, first piqued at the 6 p.m. newscast, went ungratified.

<h3>"We'll continue to watch this important breaking news story."</h3> <p>Elizabeth Dinh, after a report on a broken gas main, which had already run in two previous newscasts</p>

"It’s true that the image of that scorched little doll was powerful and may have bore repeating, but where was the follow-up footage of the devastated family at a Red Cross shelter?" Byer said. "Or some fresh b-roll of the charred ruins of the house? The public deserves better."

The investigation also found the 10 p.m. KAMR broadcast consistently re-aired closing stock numbers and high-school baseball highlights and sports bloopers, its producers and anchors apparently unaware or indifferent to the fact that the information was hours old and already common knowledge among viewers.

"They say that the 6 o’clock news team is ‘the area’s most watched news team’," Jette said. "Especially by the 10 o’clock news team."

Just last Tuesday, investigative reporter Meaghan Collier’s "Problem Solvers" segment on squalid conditions at a local dog kennel aired again at 10 p.m. without even a cursory update on the broken-legged puppy featured in the report.

"Their ‘Scorching Summer’ coverage was even worse," Jette continued. "How many times do you have to repeat the same ‘cool tips’ before all of Amarillo is crystal clear on exactly how to beat the heat?"

While KAMR was a particularly flagrant offender, it is by no means alone. In a segment about the San Diego Zoo’s baby pandas, KFMB- TV-8’s News At 11 not only offered footage identical to the previous telecast, but practically indistinguishable coos of affection from the co-anchor.

At some stations, the problem goes far beyond one-time reuse. An 11 p.m. segment on heart-smart dinner alternatives on New Haven, Connecticut’s WTNH Channel 8 was not only previously seen on the 6 p.m. news, but also on Live At 5, The 4 Report, and The News At Noon With Sonia Baghdady. Another piece on the city’s aging school buses was rotated into the following day’s Good Morning New Haven! as well.

In extreme examples, such as in Louisville, KY’s WLKY-TV prime-time and late-night newscasts, the only distinguishable characteristic is the lead anchor’s concluding suggestion to "stay tuned for [David Letterman’s] The Late Show."

Despite the mounting controversy over the KAMR Channel 4 team, the investigation was unable to conclusively prove that the hopeful wishes to see viewers the next day, and the camaraderie and laughter shared between co-anchors Kyla Cullinane and Elizabeth Dinh, were anything less than genuine.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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