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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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10-Year-Old Asks Why Interleague Play Is Good

BELLINGHAM, WA—After watching his beloved Seattle Mariners prevail against the San Diego Padres, third-grader Timmy Hastert was moved to ask his father, 46-year-old insurance salesman Christopher Hastert, why interleague play is "good." "Well, it lets people see the teams they normally don't get to see all that often, I think is the point, there, buddy," Hastert said after beginning three different sentences in seven minutes.  "After all, without interleague play, we wouldn't get to see players like…like Brian Giles and Scott [Linebrink], would we? Although I think we play the Yankees and Red Sox less often as a result. Right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how they do it." In a moving but ultimately doomed effort to give his impressionable boy the right messages, Christopher also attempted to answer Timmy's questions regarding why only the American League has a DH, why and how the All-Star game now "counts," what performance-enhancing drugs are, and how baseball officials could have sat idly by when they knew there was a major steroid problem in their sport.

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