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CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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10-Year-Old Asks Why Interleague Play Is Good

BELLINGHAM, WA—After watching his beloved Seattle Mariners prevail against the San Diego Padres, third-grader Timmy Hastert was moved to ask his father, 46-year-old insurance salesman Christopher Hastert, why interleague play is "good." "Well, it lets people see the teams they normally don't get to see all that often, I think is the point, there, buddy," Hastert said after beginning three different sentences in seven minutes.  "After all, without interleague play, we wouldn't get to see players like…like Brian Giles and Scott [Linebrink], would we? Although I think we play the Yankees and Red Sox less often as a result. Right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how they do it." In a moving but ultimately doomed effort to give his impressionable boy the right messages, Christopher also attempted to answer Timmy's questions regarding why only the American League has a DH, why and how the All-Star game now "counts," what performance-enhancing drugs are, and how baseball officials could have sat idly by when they knew there was a major steroid problem in their sport.

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