adBlockCheck

Local

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

114-Year-Old Attributes Longevity to Sheer Random Chance

MILFORD, WY—Mayor Hammond Forsythe officially declared Monday “Hazel McCreeley Day,” and why not? After all, if you’d lived through over 41,500 of them, wouldn’t you deserve one too?

Hazel McCreeley, unable to lift her head for this photo, turned 114 Monday. She encouraged celebrants to "extrapolate the bell curve of life expectancy for a quarter of a billion people" and figure out for themselves just why she's still kicking.

With pomp, circumstance and cake, the oldest living American celebrated the start of the 14th year of her second century of life here amid her friends at the Milford Nursing Home. But make no mistake—old age does not mean old heart!

“What a crock of shit,” re-marked the feisty McCreeley, playfully feigning both inability and unwillingness to blow out even one of her 114 candles. “What a flaming crock of shit this whole day is... For the love of Jesus, honor somebody accomplishing something, not someone whose body is spiting its mind by staying alive.”

Asked for the secret to her long life, the perky, silver-coifed McCreeley quipped: “Dumb luck. Do any of you have even a rudimentary understanding of probability? Extrapolate the bell curve of life expectancy for a quarter of a billion people and see for your goddamn selves.” The frisky matriarch continued. “By probabilistic rights, somebody in America ought to be 119. Only one person being 114 years old is an incredible statistical deviation.”

“Great, I pissed in my diaper again,” wise-cracked the chipper McCreeley, who still has the sense of humor she inherited from her mother, the wife of a pioneer rancher who gave birth to her only child, Hazel, on March 5, 1882, during the administration of Chester A. Arthur. She grew up during the tail-end of the legendary Old West period, graduated high school when Teddy Roosevelt was president, turned 51 one day after the first inauguration of his relative Franklin, and was eligible for Medicare by 18 years when it was first created!

Thinking of those times, McCreeley wistfully recalls them as “a total goddamn blur... Everything before this morning is a brain-fart for me.”

The bouncy centedecarian has lived in Milford all her life, spending 53 years running the general store which she founded with her husband, Herb. Herb died in 1958 at the age of 79. She has three children, five grandchildren, 11 great-grandchildren and 16 great-great-grandchildren.

“Buried most of ’em,” the peppy McCreeley noted. “My body is a drooping heap of grief-flesh.”

Asked if her family has a history of longevity, the still-sharp McCreeley riposted, “Christ, the usual rigmarole. All right: My parents did not have long lives, I don’t drink a daily shot of brandy, I don’t exercise regularly, and the clean mountain air makes no difference. I’ve lived in a climate-controlled nursing home for 34 years. Talk to a goddamn actuary, alright? I’m just the randomly-chosen outermost tentacle of the billion-legged beast that is suffering through time. Any other brilliant theories, fuckos?”

McCreeley is the chief claim to fame of Milford, a quaint town of 3,500 in the northeastern corner of the state. Mayor Forsythe, who has known McCreeley all his life, considers her a national treasure. “They ought to put her on Mount Rushmore. And push her off it. I’m not kidding,” kidded Forsythe. “She should do us all a favor and die.”

And what does the future hold for the happy Hazel? McCreeley already has plans for her 115th birthday.

“Plan A is to be rotting in a coffin,” she told us. “Plan B is to do what I do every other day: alternate between brief periods of lugubrious lucidity and tedious stretches of quasi-catatonia.”

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close