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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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12 Publicists Dead, 43 Injured In Struggle To Transform The Rock Into Dwayne Johnson

LOS ANGELES—According to reports, another dozen publicists are dead in what talent managers are calling a minor victory in the ongoing struggle to rebrand The Rock as Dwayne Johnson. "We lost a lot of good men and women ensuring our client was addressed only as Dwayne Johnson during his Good Morning America appearance this week," said head PR strategist Nate Schaumberg, who has overseen the bloody campaign for years, beginning with the moderate aim of promoting the actor as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. "Soon, the whole world will know the name Dwayne Johnson." The Rock is a professional wrestler best known for his seven WWE titles.

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