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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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12 Publicists Dead, 43 Injured In Struggle To Transform The Rock Into Dwayne Johnson

LOS ANGELES—According to reports, another dozen publicists are dead in what talent managers are calling a minor victory in the ongoing struggle to rebrand The Rock as Dwayne Johnson. "We lost a lot of good men and women ensuring our client was addressed only as Dwayne Johnson during his Good Morning America appearance this week," said head PR strategist Nate Schaumberg, who has overseen the bloody campaign for years, beginning with the moderate aim of promoting the actor as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. "Soon, the whole world will know the name Dwayne Johnson." The Rock is a professional wrestler best known for his seven WWE titles.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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