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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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12 Publicists Dead, 43 Injured In Struggle To Transform The Rock Into Dwayne Johnson

LOS ANGELES—According to reports, another dozen publicists are dead in what talent managers are calling a minor victory in the ongoing struggle to rebrand The Rock as Dwayne Johnson. "We lost a lot of good men and women ensuring our client was addressed only as Dwayne Johnson during his Good Morning America appearance this week," said head PR strategist Nate Schaumberg, who has overseen the bloody campaign for years, beginning with the moderate aim of promoting the actor as Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. "Soon, the whole world will know the name Dwayne Johnson." The Rock is a professional wrestler best known for his seven WWE titles.

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