After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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12-Year-Old Camper Excited To Meet Girls Who Will Torture Her For Rest Of Summer

MT. LEBANON, PA—While enjoying the first day of her four-week stay at North Winds Summer Camp, 12-year-old Tracy Rowley told reporters Monday how thrilled she is to meet her fellow girl campers who will spend the rest of the summer mercilessly teasing and harassing her. “I’m really looking forward to spending time with all the girls in my bunk—it’ll be really fun to stay up and talk every night after lights out,” Rowley said of the girls who will constantly make fun of her weight, call her “Brace-Face Trace” at every opportunity, and cause her to cry several times a week. “We’re going to be like sisters!” Reached for comment, Rowland’s parents told reporters that their daughter, whom they will be forced to pick up and bring home halfway through the camp session, will have a really fun and memorable summer at North Winds.

After Birth

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