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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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‘12 Years A Slave,’ ‘Captain Phillips,’ ‘American Hustle,’ ‘Wolf Of Wall Street,’ ‘Blue Jasmine,’ ‘Dallas Buyers Club,’ ‘Her,’ ‘Nebraska,’ ‘Before Midnight,’ And ‘Philomena’ All Written During Same Continuing Education Screenwriting Class

LOS ANGELES—Days after they were announced as the 10 nominees for Best Original Screenplay and Best Adapted Screenplay at the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony, sources revealed Tuesday that the films 12 Years A Slave, Captain Phillips, American Hustle, The Wolf Of Wall Street, Blue Jasmine, Dallas Buyers Club, Her, Nebraska, Before Midnight, and Philomena were all in fact written over the course of the same Introduction to Screenwriting for Film continuing education class. “Thanks to our work together on narrative structure, realistic dialogue, and screenplay formatting, the students in my class managed to write some great scripts, and I’m very proud of them all,” Barton Adult Education Institute course instructor Keith Whitney told reporters, referring to enrollees in the six-week intensive script writing seminar that included students David O. Russell, Spike Jonze, and Woody Allen. “Granted, they were a little wet behind the ears when we first started out. The script Billy [Ray, writer of Captain Phillips] first gave me didn’t have an inciting incident until page 40, and [Before Midnight writer] Richard [Linklater] couldn’t figure out a three-act structure to save his life. But once we got the fundamentals locked down, they were all able to really impress the Academy. They were a good group.” At press time, Barton Institute sources also confirmed how proud they were of Gravity director Alfonso Cuarón, a recent graduate of the continuing education school’s “Learn Final Cut Pro in 14 Days” online correspondence course.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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