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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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13 Year Old Boy Diagnosed With Incurable Puberty

ROCHESTER, MN - Doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced this week that despite, their best efforts, there is no hope of a cure for 13 year old puberty victim Ben Dobson. "Unfortunately there is no treatment for a case of pubescence this severe," said lead physician Mark Felderman. "Ben will continue to become hairier, ganglier, and more awkward around girls. We've given him a notebook he can use to cover his erections, but there's not much else we can do." At press time, Ben Dobson is not normal, he is a cracking voiced weirdo, and he always will be, sources confirmed.

Watch this video for more information on the ravages of puberty.

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