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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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13 Year Old Boy Diagnosed With Incurable Puberty

ROCHESTER, MN - Doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced this week that despite, their best efforts, there is no hope of a cure for 13 year old puberty victim Ben Dobson. "Unfortunately there is no treatment for a case of pubescence this severe," said lead physician Mark Felderman. "Ben will continue to become hairier, ganglier, and more awkward around girls. We've given him a notebook he can use to cover his erections, but there's not much else we can do." At press time, Ben Dobson is not normal, he is a cracking voiced weirdo, and he always will be, sources confirmed.

Watch this video for more information on the ravages of puberty.

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