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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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13 Year Old Boy Diagnosed With Incurable Puberty

ROCHESTER, MN - Doctors at the Mayo Clinic announced this week that despite, their best efforts, there is no hope of a cure for 13 year old puberty victim Ben Dobson. "Unfortunately there is no treatment for a case of pubescence this severe," said lead physician Mark Felderman. "Ben will continue to become hairier, ganglier, and more awkward around girls. We've given him a notebook he can use to cover his erections, but there's not much else we can do." At press time, Ben Dobson is not normal, he is a cracking voiced weirdo, and he always will be, sources confirmed.

Watch this video for more information on the ravages of puberty.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

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