13-Year-Old Girl Can't Believe How Immature Everyone Is

In This Section

After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Healthy Eating

13-Year-Old Girl Can't Believe How Immature Everyone Is

ORLANDO, FL—Disgusted with the total childishness of those around her, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe announced Monday that she can't believe how immature everyone is.

Orlando, FL, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe, who has taken a bold anti-immaturity stance.

"Everyone in the world is, like, so immature," said Keefe, rolling her eyes at a group of boys playing dodgeball during lunch recess. "I mean, when are people going to grow up? We're in eighth grade now, but everyone still runs around and plays baby games and acts completely retarded all the time."

In addition to the juvenile behavior of her classmates, Keefe is forced to endure the immaturity of her younger sister, who doesn't even know what fractions are; the produce manager at the grocery store, who whistles constantly; the youth-group leader at her family's church, who wants everyone to hold hands like they're in nursery school; the clerk with all the buttons at Payless Shoes; and, worst of all, her parents.

"My dad is always singing these dumb songs and telling stupid knock-knock jokes. I mean, get real. Knock-knock jokes? That is, like, so third grade," Keefe said. "Plus, he always calls pajamas 'PJs.' Excuse me?"

Her father, Richard Keefe, admitted that he does get "a little silly" sometimes, but stressed that he is making every effort to be respectful of his daughter's exceptional maturity.

"Alexis is quickly becoming a young woman, so her mother and I are always trying to think of family activities that take this into account," Keefe said. "We've come to find that this excludes such infantile activities as holding family sing-alongs, getting Blizzards at Dairy Queen, watching Animal Planet, visiting Grandma, shopping at Sears, swimming at the public pool, going to the planetarium, playing Frisbee, and pretty much anything else that requires Alexis to leave her room or get out of the car."

Even Keefe's best friends have come under fire for their immaturity. "I really like Becky [Christopher] and Jen [Ingrassia], but sometimes they're totally embarrassing to be around. I mean, Becky goes to karate class, and Jen listens to Z-96. How immature can you be?"

Added Keefe: "Sometimes I think Becky and Jen need to go back to Miss Schukal's kindergarten class or wear diapers or something."

Among other things Keefe avoids at all costs: stuffed animals, pancakes, mittens as opposed to gloves, digital watches, pencils instead of pens, cotton candy, animated movies, sandals, yo-yos, ponytail holders, sack lunches and white nylons.

"We should consider ourselves lucky to have such a discriminating individual in our midst," said Marjorie Schu, Keefe's guidance counselor at Eastlake Junior High School. "It was only two years ago that Alexis was a watchdog for all things that were 'boring,' and before that she was foremost in her class in pointing out things that were 'gay.'"

"What will be next?" Schu asked. "Will she move on to combat the 'lameness' that surrounds her, or will she choose to speak out against things that are 'fake' or 'cheap'? I guess all we can do is wait and see."

Next Story

After Birth Video