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14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget

WASHINGTON—At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington sources told reporters Thursday. “When I was 14 years old, all I was thinking about was having enough allowance money to buy comic books, but this little teen dynamo is actually trying to rein in annual spending and eliminate the deficit,” Congressman Earl Blumenauer (D-OR) said of the perky, high-school-age wonder boy, whose budget reform plan seeks to reduce government spending by $4.6 trillion by 2023 through a long-term fiscal policy that includes deep cuts to food stamps and other entitlement programs. “He comes in here every day in his little two-piece suit, with his snazzy haircut that it looks like his mom gave him, and you just have to admire the kid. Heck, he’s still three years away from applying for college, for God’s sake! I imagine he’s not too popular with the other kids his age, but I’m sure he’s used to that by now.” Despite their enthusiasm for the teen whiz kid’s pluck and hard work, Congressional sources were quick to note that Ryan’s budget plan made “absolutely no sense.”

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