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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget

WASHINGTON—At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington sources told reporters Thursday. “When I was 14 years old, all I was thinking about was having enough allowance money to buy comic books, but this little teen dynamo is actually trying to rein in annual spending and eliminate the deficit,” Congressman Earl Blumenauer (D-OR) said of the perky, high-school-age wonder boy, whose budget reform plan seeks to reduce government spending by $4.6 trillion by 2023 through a long-term fiscal policy that includes deep cuts to food stamps and other entitlement programs. “He comes in here every day in his little two-piece suit, with his snazzy haircut that it looks like his mom gave him, and you just have to admire the kid. Heck, he’s still three years away from applying for college, for God’s sake! I imagine he’s not too popular with the other kids his age, but I’m sure he’s used to that by now.” Despite their enthusiasm for the teen whiz kid’s pluck and hard work, Congressional sources were quick to note that Ryan’s budget plan made “absolutely no sense.”

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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