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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget

WASHINGTON—At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington sources told reporters Thursday. “When I was 14 years old, all I was thinking about was having enough allowance money to buy comic books, but this little teen dynamo is actually trying to rein in annual spending and eliminate the deficit,” Congressman Earl Blumenauer (D-OR) said of the perky, high-school-age wonder boy, whose budget reform plan seeks to reduce government spending by $4.6 trillion by 2023 through a long-term fiscal policy that includes deep cuts to food stamps and other entitlement programs. “He comes in here every day in his little two-piece suit, with his snazzy haircut that it looks like his mom gave him, and you just have to admire the kid. Heck, he’s still three years away from applying for college, for God’s sake! I imagine he’s not too popular with the other kids his age, but I’m sure he’s used to that by now.” Despite their enthusiasm for the teen whiz kid’s pluck and hard work, Congressional sources were quick to note that Ryan’s budget plan made “absolutely no sense.”

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