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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers

MONTEREY, CA—A stunned crowd outside Del Monte Shopping Center watched in horror Saturday as helpless 15-year-old Haley Garner was savagely attacked and ripped to shreds by a pack of her frenzied peers. "They homed in on her immediately, surrounded the poor girl from all sides, and then just tore her to pieces," witness Barry Motts told reporters, saying there was nothing anyone could do for the defenseless teen except look away and let nature run its course. "As traumatizing as it was, I can see why it happened. A beanpole adolescent standing outside a nice mall in an oversized T-shirt tucked into jean shorts, waiting for her mom to pick her up? It's amazing she survived as long as she did." Later, the rabid pack of teens reportedly emitted a series of violent screeches before encircling a slightly obese girl who had entered the mall.

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