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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers

MONTEREY, CA—A stunned crowd outside Del Monte Shopping Center watched in horror Saturday as helpless 15-year-old Haley Garner was savagely attacked and ripped to shreds by a pack of her frenzied peers. "They homed in on her immediately, surrounded the poor girl from all sides, and then just tore her to pieces," witness Barry Motts told reporters, saying there was nothing anyone could do for the defenseless teen except look away and let nature run its course. "As traumatizing as it was, I can see why it happened. A beanpole adolescent standing outside a nice mall in an oversized T-shirt tucked into jean shorts, waiting for her mom to pick her up? It's amazing she survived as long as she did." Later, the rabid pack of teens reportedly emitted a series of violent screeches before encircling a slightly obese girl who had entered the mall.

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