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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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15-Year-Old Girl Viciously Torn Apart By Rabid Pack Of Peers

MONTEREY, CA—A stunned crowd outside Del Monte Shopping Center watched in horror Saturday as helpless 15-year-old Haley Garner was savagely attacked and ripped to shreds by a pack of her frenzied peers. "They homed in on her immediately, surrounded the poor girl from all sides, and then just tore her to pieces," witness Barry Motts told reporters, saying there was nothing anyone could do for the defenseless teen except look away and let nature run its course. "As traumatizing as it was, I can see why it happened. A beanpole adolescent standing outside a nice mall in an oversized T-shirt tucked into jean shorts, waiting for her mom to pick her up? It's amazing she survived as long as she did." Later, the rabid pack of teens reportedly emitted a series of violent screeches before encircling a slightly obese girl who had entered the mall.

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