15-Year-Old Nephew Asked If He Can Get Ecstasy

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

15-Year-Old Nephew Asked If He Can Get Ecstasy

MINNEAPOLIS—Having exhausted several more conventional sources for illegal drugs, area copy editor Alex Henderson, 33, was forced to ask his 15-year-old nephew Kevin for MDMA Monday.

Henderson hangs out at his nephew Kevin's house.

"My girlfriend Paula [Tanner] was talking about how fun ecstasy was the two times she did it," Henderson said. "She got really excited when I said I'd never tried it before, because I guess the first time is the best. She said we should take it and spend all night having sex. I told her I'd make some calls."

Although ecstasy use among young adults is on the rise, Henderson said he has been "out of the drug loop" for several years, and thus unsure where to buy the club drug. It was only after two weeks of intense searching that Henderson asked his nephew if he knew any dealers.

"Let me assure you, going to Kevin was my absolute last resort," Henderson said. "I explored every single avenue I could think of before I went to track him down after band practice Monday night."

Henderson said the first person he contacted before approaching the high-school sophomore was his friend Dean Holston.

"Dean and I used to party a lot in college, but he was always the one who took the money and got the stuff for our group," Henderson said. "It turns out he cleaned himself up and is just starting a job drafting legislation in Washington. I got him working late. He said no way. Then he said it was too bad I couldn't make it to his wedding last summer."

"It wasn't one of my finer moments," he added.

After he asked all of his friends and several of his more irresponsible-seeming acquaintances, Henderson decided that he needed to seek out a younger demographic. He said he spent three days cozying up to Christine Polley, the 22-year-old intern at his office, before casually broaching the subject of having the history major find him some ecstasy.

"Everyone from the office was having a couple of beers after work," Henderson said. "Christine seems pretty laid-back, so I didn't think it would be out of line to ask her if she could hook me up. She didn't freak out or anything, but she got a little evasive and told me that she didn't do drugs and didn't know anything about that stuff. She left kind of quickly afterward. I hope she doesn't think I'm the office narc or something."

Only after several more weeks of failed attempts did Henderson turn to his nephew.

"Let's just say it—I was desperate," Henderson said. "I can admit that much."

Although Henderson found it awkward to ask his nephew for illegal drugs, the prospect of pleasing his girlfriend convinced him to go forward with his plans.

"I tried to call at a time when no one else in the family was around, but my brother Jake answered the phone," Henderson said. "I talked to him for a minute, and then I was like, 'Yeah, so how's Kevin?'"

Henderson said his concern for his nephew seemed to confuse his brother.

"He was like, 'Kevin? He's okay. He got a B-minus on his research paper.' That was my road in," Henderson said. "I was like, 'B-minus. Hmm. Maybe I should talk to him.'"

Henderson's brother, though surprised by the request, put his son on the phone.

"Once I had Kevin on the phone, I told him he didn't need to worry so much about a B-minus, that it was just one grade, that he was doing great. I asked him what sports teams he's rooting for these days, if he thought that movie about the Alamo was going to be any good, and then if he could get me some X."

According to Henderson, Kevin initially did not understand the question, forcing his uncle to repeat himself several times.

"I was like, 'Ecstasy. Can you get me some X?'" Henderson said. "Finally, after like five minutes, he was like, 'Oh. Oh. X? Oh. Um, I guess I can ask around.'"

Henderson said he immediately had second thoughts after getting off the phone with his nephew.

"It kind of got me worried," he said. "I don't think my relationship with Jake would ever bounce back if he found out I'd enlisted Kevin as my drug mule. He's still a little mad at me because I took Kevin to see House Of 1000 Corpses."

Although Kevin's initial inquiries were unsuccessful, the high-school sophomore promised to keep his ear to the ground for his uncle, in spite of his apparent discomfort in doing so.

"Some kids might think it's cool to score drugs for their uncle, but it kind of gives me the creeps," Kevin said. "I don't really hang out with the kids who deal that stuff, so it's awkward to go up and ask them for it. I'm going to try, though. It's even worse to have Uncle Alex calling here and hanging up when Dad answers. We have caller ID."

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