16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year

Top Headlines

After Birth

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year

TERRE HAUTE, IN—A few days into his summer vacation, local 16-year-old John Vucinich told reporters Tuesday that he is excited to have the next three months to do nothing but sit back, relax, and meticulously plot out the details of the mass shooting he is planning for the upcoming school year. “After a long, stressful year, it’s great to have all this free time to just kick up my feet and figure out exactly when, where, and how I’m going to make everyone pay,” said Vucinich while lying comfortably in a deck chair and sketching out a “rough list” of students and teachers he plans on targeting during his upcoming rampage, as well as a tentative arsenal. “When class is in session, there’s way too much homework and studying for me to spend on outside projects, like sketching out a route from the parking lot to the cafeteria in order to maximize the body count. But now I have all the time in the world! Will I get Clint and those guys on the football team first? Should I go for head shots or just spray the crowd? Luckily I have a long, lazy summer to figure all that stuff out.” At press time, Vucinich was enjoying a glass of fresh squeezed lemonade while fantasizing about leaving homemade explosives in the trash cans by the gymnasium, the teacher’s lounge, and the library.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close