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17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11

NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about the events of September 11, 2001. “Holy shit, are you serious?” said one member of the East Coast brood of winged insects, expressing its continued shock and horror about the coordinated terrorist attacks that claimed the lives of 3,000 people. “They just flew the planes right into the fucking buildings? Man, oh, man. People must have just been completely freaking out. Christ, I know I would have been.” At press time, the 17-year cicadas were beginning to express serious doubts about how two structures supported by reinforced concrete and steel beams could just collapse like that.

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