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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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17-Year-Old Thinks She's Getting Into Photography

EUGENE, OR—After wasting an afternoon taking pictures of a broken tricycle, moss on trees, and the shadow of a wrought-iron fence, Churchill Alternative High School senior Jessica Ivers falsely informed family and friends Saturday that she was getting into photography. "I love the way real film looks," said Ivers, who has owned the old single-lens reflex 35 millimeter camera for exactly one week, and named as her favorite photographers "probably Diane Arbus" and the French guy who took the picture of the boy with the wine bottle. "I'm really fascinated by textures, and I think I'll be able to get some good shots of my grandma's hands this weekend." Sources close to Ivers expect the camera to join her clarinet and yoga mat under her bed once she pays $14.85 to develop the roll of clumsy, overexposed images.

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