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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—After asking why the United States was in Afghanistan in the first place, 18-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Josh McCombs received a frank description of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, from Master Sgt. Todd Brinkman, 33, between raids on Taliban insurgents Tuesday. “Turns out, the little shaver was only 7 back then, and his folks didn't want him to see the horrible pictures on TV,” the commanding officer later told reporters. “Then Pvt. McCombs asked: ‘If 9/11 happened more than 10 years ago, why are we here now?’ And that’s when I told him to stop asking questions and just follow orders.” McCombs was last seen explaining 9/11 to his fellow young infantrymen, who all reportedly asked the same follow-up question McCombs did.

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