18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown

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Vol 38 Issue 06

Man's Dream To Get Drunk In An A-Frame Finally Realized

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO— Pete Strausbaugh, 33, a Denver-area electrician, realized a longtime dream Saturday when he got drunk in an A-frame house. "Man, that was even better than I thought it would be," said Strausbaugh, finishing off a ninth Coors Light in the living room of his A-frame at Sunlight Mountain ski resort. "It's not quite up there with being drunk in a treehouse, but still." Strausbaugh later announced that his new ambition is to get baked at Niagara Falls.

Conrad Bain Steps Down As National Kitsch-Reference Laureate

WASHINGTON, DC— Actor Conrad Bain, known to millions as Philip Drummond on the hit '70s sitcom Diff'rent Strokes, stepped down Monday from the post of National Kitsch-Reference Laureate. "I am extremely proud to have served my country for the past 11 years in my humorous-referential capacity," Bain said. "Almost as proud as I was of Willis and Arnold that time they went on the hunger strike to save the ancient Indian burial ground that my construction company was going to tear up for a new building." Bain added that he is fully confident that his successor, Ron "Horshack" Palillo, "will serve the nation with distinction and honor."

Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT— A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice, South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he was fine. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," Berkman, 24, told concerned onlookers before he even straightened his badly twisted legs and attempted to stand up. "I'm okay." After noticing a deep gash just below his left knee, Berkman instantly assured witnesses that the heavily bleeding wound was "no biggie" and "totally under control."

Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND— The nation of Iceland was tired and cranky Monday after being kept up all night by a howling dog. "People were complaining as far away as Seyhisfjórdhur," said President Ólafur Grimsson, brewing an extra pot of coffee. "The sound carries a long way up here." Grimsson said none of Iceland's 280,000 citizens were close enough to the dog—believed to have been stranded on an ice floe near Vestmannaeyjar—to throw a shoe at it.

New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues

ATLANTA— A new Osama bin Laden videotape acquired by CNN from Al-Jazeera features three previously unreleased anti-U.S. rants and harangues by the terrorist leader, excited network sources said Monday. "One piece goes on for 45 minutes and is entirely about the need to bring down the Great Satan," CNN spokesman Gil Eckert said. "In another, shorter piece, he's sitting in a dank cave, cryptically telling some guy off camera about the 'great victory' Allah will enjoy in the very near future." The eagerly anticipated tape, the first new material from bin Laden in more than two months, hits video stores Tuesday.

The Axis Of Evil

President Bush's State of the Union pronouncement that North Korea, Iran, and Iraq represent an "Axis of Evil" continues to spark debate. What do you think?
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18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown

PESHTIGO, WI—In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo.

Muntner and his one true love.

"They say God puts one special person on this planet who is your one true love," said Muntner, who has left Marinette County twice in his life, both times for marching-band competitions in nearby Menominee. "It's incredible, but I somehow found mine right here in the town where I've always lived. If that's not fate, I don't know what is."

Muntner, a 2001 graduate of Peshtigo High School, met Gaska, currently a junior at the school, in November 1999 in the student parking lot.

"I was hanging out by my car with my buddy Bryan, and this really hot chick comes walking up," Muntner said. "She asks us for a smoke, and I give her one of my Camels. So Bryan, who's a good guy but kind of a goober, says, 'What are you doing Saturday night?' She says, 'Nothing with you.' Then, for some reason, I say, 'How about me?' and she smiles and says, 'Sure.'"

"That girl's name, you ask?" Muntner continued. "Tammy Gaska."

Relationship experts estimate that the chances of meeting someone in your lifetime that you fully connect with on a spiritual, intellectual, and physical level are one in 2.3 billion, making the geographic proximity of the soulmates nothing short of astonishing.

"How often does a person find their one true love at all, much less in the tiny rural Wisconsin town where they grew up?" Muntner said. "That's why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny [Corvo] a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just don't give up on true love."

Muntner said he very nearly did not meet Gaska, making their union all the more incredible.

"When I was in 10th grade, my dad got a job offer in Manitowoc, and we almost moved," Muntner said. "If he'd taken the job, I would have never met Tammy. It's pretty scary to think about how close that was to happening. Obviously, somebody up there wanted us to be together."

Muntner said he knew almost immediately that he and Tammy were "so meant to be together."

"I could tell on the first date that Tammy was Mrs. Right," Muntner said. "When she told me she wanted to eat at Schussler's Supper Club, I was like, 'That's my favorite place in town!' What are the odds that out of Peshtigo's five restaurants, we'd both like the same one?"

While many of his friends have had to search the state, country, or at least somewhere outside a three-mile radius to find "The One," Muntner said he is doubly blessed that Gaska lives a mere four blocks away.

"My friend Rodney [Auer] has a girlfriend who lives all the way over in Oconto Falls," Muntner said. "Sometimes, he doesn't get to see her all week if something is wrong with his truck. I don't think I could stand to be away from Tammy for that long."

Muntner, who prior to meeting Gaska had dated only two girls, one for five weeks and the other for two months, said he is amazed that he was able to find the perfect person so quickly—and in a town of only 3,400 people.

"Tammy is really special." Muntner said. "Most people who marry someone from their hometown just settle for whatever's around. I'm glad I didn't have to do that."

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