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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown

PESHTIGO, WI—In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo.

Muntner and his one true love.

"They say God puts one special person on this planet who is your one true love," said Muntner, who has left Marinette County twice in his life, both times for marching-band competitions in nearby Menominee. "It's incredible, but I somehow found mine right here in the town where I've always lived. If that's not fate, I don't know what is."

Muntner, a 2001 graduate of Peshtigo High School, met Gaska, currently a junior at the school, in November 1999 in the student parking lot.

"I was hanging out by my car with my buddy Bryan, and this really hot chick comes walking up," Muntner said. "She asks us for a smoke, and I give her one of my Camels. So Bryan, who's a good guy but kind of a goober, says, 'What are you doing Saturday night?' She says, 'Nothing with you.' Then, for some reason, I say, 'How about me?' and she smiles and says, 'Sure.'"

"That girl's name, you ask?" Muntner continued. "Tammy Gaska."

Relationship experts estimate that the chances of meeting someone in your lifetime that you fully connect with on a spiritual, intellectual, and physical level are one in 2.3 billion, making the geographic proximity of the soulmates nothing short of astonishing.

"How often does a person find their one true love at all, much less in the tiny rural Wisconsin town where they grew up?" Muntner said. "That's why me and Tammy are still going out even though she gave Danny [Corvo] a hand job in the Copps [Food Center] freezer a few months ago. You just don't give up on true love."

Muntner said he very nearly did not meet Gaska, making their union all the more incredible.

"When I was in 10th grade, my dad got a job offer in Manitowoc, and we almost moved," Muntner said. "If he'd taken the job, I would have never met Tammy. It's pretty scary to think about how close that was to happening. Obviously, somebody up there wanted us to be together."

Muntner said he knew almost immediately that he and Tammy were "so meant to be together."

"I could tell on the first date that Tammy was Mrs. Right," Muntner said. "When she told me she wanted to eat at Schussler's Supper Club, I was like, 'That's my favorite place in town!' What are the odds that out of Peshtigo's five restaurants, we'd both like the same one?"

While many of his friends have had to search the state, country, or at least somewhere outside a three-mile radius to find "The One," Muntner said he is doubly blessed that Gaska lives a mere four blocks away.

"My friend Rodney [Auer] has a girlfriend who lives all the way over in Oconto Falls," Muntner said. "Sometimes, he doesn't get to see her all week if something is wrong with his truck. I don't think I could stand to be away from Tammy for that long."

Muntner, who prior to meeting Gaska had dated only two girls, one for five weeks and the other for two months, said he is amazed that he was able to find the perfect person so quickly—and in a town of only 3,400 people.

"Tammy is really special." Muntner said. "Most people who marry someone from their hometown just settle for whatever's around. I'm glad I didn't have to do that."

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