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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

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After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing

NEW YORK—A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing.

The thing—which was sent into the air in a last-ditch attempt to score as time expired, and which went through the other thing as a loud sound marked the end of the game—was watched intently by everyone in the building. Replays of the thing traveling through the thing were shown repeatedly, in slow motion, and from multiple angles, leaving no room for doubt that the first thing had correctly cleared the second.

"That was amazing," said Jarrod Mancuso, 27, who was rooting very hard for the thing to go through the thing. "I have never been part of something that exciting in my life. When I get older I can tell my kids I was there when [a thing went through the opening of another thing]."

"It was a miracle," he added. Sources confirmed that if the thing had gone too far right or left of the thing, or had clanged off the thing and not gone directly though it, the members of the crowd would have had the complete opposite reaction.

"This is what sports is all about!" said jubilant longtime thing fan Kyle Shroyer, who remarked on how amazing it was to be present when a thing was successfully propelled through the other thing at the last minute to ensure a victory. "It doesn't get any better than this!"

During the competition, members of both teams had put the thing through the thing an equal number of times, with normal to above-average fanfare. However, the very last time the thing went through the thing the cheers were deafening.

Following a lengthy celebration, many in attendance admitted that while they had prayed to God for the thing to go through the thing, they realistically felt it had no chance, considering the unusual distance the thing had to travel, the number of people trying to stop it from going through the thing, what a rare thing it was for a team to even attempt to score with the thing at that range from the thing, and how difficult a thing it must be for a player to get the thing through the thing with so much pressure to do such a difficult thing.

Sources said that because the thing went through the thing in such a dramatic fashion, they now believe their team is destined to continue putting the thing through the thing until it receives a trophy for being the best at doing so.

"This is our year, baby!" said Matt Pally, 32, adding that the player who received the thing from his teammate, advanced it, and sent it on a thing-entering trajectory is a hero. "We're No. 1!"

Though many in the building were ecstatic about the thing's outcome, some individuals—particularly those wearing different-colored clothes from the majority of fans in attendance—had not wanted the thing to go through the thing at all. Many of these fans told reporters they had hoped the thing would be taken from the possessing team, or at least struck in the complete opposite direction so that it headed toward the thing on the opposite end of the playing surface.

Visibly disappointed sources confirmed the sight of the thing going through the thing not only angered them, but caused their hearts to sink.

"This bullshit always happens to us," said 33-year-old Amy Ondas, adding that her team's coach should be fired, and that the organization needs to make some serious changes in the offseason. "It's a pretty easy game when you think about it. Stop one fucking thing from going through the other fucking thing. That's what these guys are paid to do."

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