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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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18,000 People Cheer Thing Going Through Thing

NEW YORK—A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing.

The thing—which was sent into the air in a last-ditch attempt to score as time expired, and which went through the other thing as a loud sound marked the end of the game—was watched intently by everyone in the building. Replays of the thing traveling through the thing were shown repeatedly, in slow motion, and from multiple angles, leaving no room for doubt that the first thing had correctly cleared the second.

"That was amazing," said Jarrod Mancuso, 27, who was rooting very hard for the thing to go through the thing. "I have never been part of something that exciting in my life. When I get older I can tell my kids I was there when [a thing went through the opening of another thing]."

"It was a miracle," he added. Sources confirmed that if the thing had gone too far right or left of the thing, or had clanged off the thing and not gone directly though it, the members of the crowd would have had the complete opposite reaction.

"This is what sports is all about!" said jubilant longtime thing fan Kyle Shroyer, who remarked on how amazing it was to be present when a thing was successfully propelled through the other thing at the last minute to ensure a victory. "It doesn't get any better than this!"

During the competition, members of both teams had put the thing through the thing an equal number of times, with normal to above-average fanfare. However, the very last time the thing went through the thing the cheers were deafening.

Following a lengthy celebration, many in attendance admitted that while they had prayed to God for the thing to go through the thing, they realistically felt it had no chance, considering the unusual distance the thing had to travel, the number of people trying to stop it from going through the thing, what a rare thing it was for a team to even attempt to score with the thing at that range from the thing, and how difficult a thing it must be for a player to get the thing through the thing with so much pressure to do such a difficult thing.

Sources said that because the thing went through the thing in such a dramatic fashion, they now believe their team is destined to continue putting the thing through the thing until it receives a trophy for being the best at doing so.

"This is our year, baby!" said Matt Pally, 32, adding that the player who received the thing from his teammate, advanced it, and sent it on a thing-entering trajectory is a hero. "We're No. 1!"

Though many in the building were ecstatic about the thing's outcome, some individuals—particularly those wearing different-colored clothes from the majority of fans in attendance—had not wanted the thing to go through the thing at all. Many of these fans told reporters they had hoped the thing would be taken from the possessing team, or at least struck in the complete opposite direction so that it headed toward the thing on the opposite end of the playing surface.

Visibly disappointed sources confirmed the sight of the thing going through the thing not only angered them, but caused their hearts to sink.

"This bullshit always happens to us," said 33-year-old Amy Ondas, adding that her team's coach should be fired, and that the organization needs to make some serious changes in the offseason. "It's a pretty easy game when you think about it. Stop one fucking thing from going through the other fucking thing. That's what these guys are paid to do."

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