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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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1930s Comedian Pretty Sure He's Outsmarted Murphy Bed

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Clad in his pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and floppy nightcap, mustachioed 1930s comedian Max Ruckle announced Sunday night that he had finally gotten the best of his new house’s stubborn Murphy bed. “That oughta do the trick,” Ruckle said after a prolonged 45-minute struggle with the malfunctioning bed, during which he repeatedly stomped on its mattress in an attempt to keep it down and became frantic each time it suddenly sprung upward and trapped him inside the wall. “Bed’s trying to make a monkey out of me, eh? Well, it takes a lot more than a pile of springs to outwit ol’ Max Ruckle!” Sources confirmed the sleepy Ruckle then blew out the flame from his candlestick and jumped into bed, immediately causing the walls of his house to collapse outward in all four directions.

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