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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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1930s Comedian Pretty Sure He's Outsmarted Murphy Bed

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Clad in his pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and floppy nightcap, mustachioed 1930s comedian Max Ruckle announced Sunday night that he had finally gotten the best of his new house’s stubborn Murphy bed. “That oughta do the trick,” Ruckle said after a prolonged 45-minute struggle with the malfunctioning bed, during which he repeatedly stomped on its mattress in an attempt to keep it down and became frantic each time it suddenly sprung upward and trapped him inside the wall. “Bed’s trying to make a monkey out of me, eh? Well, it takes a lot more than a pile of springs to outwit ol’ Max Ruckle!” Sources confirmed the sleepy Ruckle then blew out the flame from his candlestick and jumped into bed, immediately causing the walls of his house to collapse outward in all four directions.

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