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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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2-Year-Old Unaware He’s Basis For 6 Couples’ Decisions Not To Have Kids

THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday. According to reports, the toddler has thus far failed to recognize that his temper tantrums and messy eating habits have motivated several of his mother’s friends, as well as a couple who were eating near Gibson’s family at a restaurant, to go their entire lives without ever raising children of their own. Gibson also reportedly remains wholly ignorant of the fact that his behavior this past Christmas, which included shrieking for 10 straight minutes after not getting a cookie, was directly responsible for his aunt and uncle’s choice to never procreate, or that stories about staying up all night to take care of him are why one of his father’s coworkers and her husband determined that they would be fine with just a dog. Sources also revealed that Gibson is unaware that he is the reason his own parents have decided not to have more children.

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