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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store

NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&M’s World store in Times Square. “When our first responders found amid the storm several largely oblivious idiots sampling various colors of the milk-chocolate candy and posing for pictures with a large statue of the green female M&M character, we recognized we had to do everything in our power to bring them to safety,” New York City Office of Emergency Management commissioner Joseph F. Bruno said of the tubby fucking dimwits clad in Lion King hats and shirts, several of whom were said to have initially resisted the rescue attempt because they had not yet purchased an M&M plush doll. “Fortunately, we were able to relocate each one of these staggering dopes, as well as most of the American Girl Place bags they were clutching, to a more secure location.” At press time, emergency personnel were working to locate any remaining dummies by pounding on the doors of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

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