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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store

NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&M’s World store in Times Square. “When our first responders found amid the storm several largely oblivious idiots sampling various colors of the milk-chocolate candy and posing for pictures with a large statue of the green female M&M character, we recognized we had to do everything in our power to bring them to safety,” New York City Office of Emergency Management commissioner Joseph F. Bruno said of the tubby fucking dimwits clad in Lion King hats and shirts, several of whom were said to have initially resisted the rescue attempt because they had not yet purchased an M&M plush doll. “Fortunately, we were able to relocate each one of these staggering dopes, as well as most of the American Girl Place bags they were clutching, to a more secure location.” At press time, emergency personnel were working to locate any remaining dummies by pounding on the doors of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

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