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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store

NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&M’s World store in Times Square. “When our first responders found amid the storm several largely oblivious idiots sampling various colors of the milk-chocolate candy and posing for pictures with a large statue of the green female M&M character, we recognized we had to do everything in our power to bring them to safety,” New York City Office of Emergency Management commissioner Joseph F. Bruno said of the tubby fucking dimwits clad in Lion King hats and shirts, several of whom were said to have initially resisted the rescue attempt because they had not yet purchased an M&M plush doll. “Fortunately, we were able to relocate each one of these staggering dopes, as well as most of the American Girl Place bags they were clutching, to a more secure location.” At press time, emergency personnel were working to locate any remaining dummies by pounding on the doors of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

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