adBlockCheck

20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically

LOUISVILLE, KY—Alex Vartan, 24, a Louisville-area convenience-store cashier and part-time DJ, spends 20 percent of his income ironically, sources reported Monday.

Vartan in his irony-filled apartment.

"I know I should really try to sock away some cash, but there's just so much funny shit out there," Vartan said. "Like, just yesterday, I passed by this Christian bookstore, and in the window they had those statues of Jesus playing basketball and a bunch of other sports with little kids. Now, how are you supposed to pass something like that up?"

Though his job as a cashier doesn't provide much in the way of disposable income, Vartan spends roughly one-fifth of his $21,000-a-year salary on such ironic items as Future Farmers of America jackets, Successories posters, and Knight Rider lunchboxes.

Vartan's love affair with irony-based shopping began in high school, when he bought a used sitting bath at a hospital surplus sale.

"I just thought it would be funny to use it for a chair," Vartan said. "Plus, it was only $3. At a garage sale a few days later, I found a bunch of copies of 'The Super Bowl Shuffle' for a dime apiece, and I gave them all out to my friends for Christmas. From that point on, I was hooked."

The habit grew worse in the spring of 1996, when Vartan discovered eBay.

"Man, that blew my mind," said Vartan, who combs the popular auction site for ironic items almost daily. "I couldn't believe the amazing stuff you could find on there. Like, about a month ago, I found this bootleg Wendy's employee-training video from the mid-'80s where this black kid does this how-to-cook-the-burgers rap. I shit you not."

A typical trip to the supermarket for Vartan involves the purchase of at least one ironic foodstuff, such as Frank's Kraut Juice or Uncle Sam's cereal. When he returns home, he often pops open a can of Schlitz beer and unwinds with his prized laser-disc copy of Leonard Part 6 or a book of Lockhorns comic strips.

A small sampling of Vartan's possessions.

Even when his financial situation is dire, Vartan has a hard time resisting ironic purchases.

"Last June, I found a $20 bill on the street," Vartan said. "I was totally psyched, because I was seriously hurting for cash at the time—I think I had, like, $5.85 in my checking account. I was going to put it in the bank, but on the way home I saw this shirt in the window of Ragstock that said, 'It's Not A Beer Belly, It's A Gas Tank For A Sex Machine.' Of course, I got the shirt and lost seven pounds that month because I ate nothing but rice and beans, so it was even more ironic."

Though he tends to gravitate toward pop-culture artifacts from the '70s and '80s, Vartan has recently taken to investing in contemporary items that he speculates will have future kitsch appeal.

"I spent $200 on a rare movie poster for the Italian version of The Adventures Of Pluto Nash," Vartan said. "I emptied out my bank account to get the money, and then I had to call the electric company and make up some excuse why I couldn't pay them this month. That kinda sucked, but it's gonna be worth it in a few years when Pluto Nash is recognized as a classic on par with Battlefield Earth and Showgirls."

Despite his misgivings, Vartan said he does not have any immediate plans to change his spending habits.

"I know I really should save for my future, but it's almost impossible with all the great crap you come across," Vartan said. "If I ever do manage to save enough money, though, I'd love to get a house in Celebration, FL, that freako Disney-planned community near Orlando. That place sounds so unbelievably weird and depressing, it'd be hilarious."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close