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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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2011 MLB Season Dominated By Pitchers, Hitters, Fielders

NEW YORK—Baseball experts agreed Thursday that the 2011 MLB season has become a year defined by pitching, hitting, and defense. “When people look back on this season, what is really going to stand out is the pure offensive and defensive domination displayed by a talented group of batters, pitchers, and fielders who are playing at a professional level,” said MLB Network analyst Peter Gammons, adding that baserunning, team chemistry, and baseball players have also been highlights of 2011. “This season proves that if your club can simply outpitch, outhit, and out-field the other team, you’re going to have a much better shot at competing.” Experts said they expect this trend to continue for the foreseeable future, noting it does not seem likely a season dominated by base coaches is coming anytime soon.

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