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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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2012 Seniors Thunder Into High School's Parking Lot Like Coalition Forces Entering Baghdad

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Driving up the narrow student-only entrance ramp and plowing over speed bumps as if they were sand dunes, Robert T. Everett High's Class of 2012 thundered through their school's parking lot Monday like the coalition forces storming Baghdad. "You ready to rock, Big Ace?" said 17-year-old senior Brian Grady, removing his sunglasses as he addressed an Aéropostale-shirt-wearing Curtis Jenner, who nodded his head while hanging out the sunroof of a Hyundai Tucson as if it were an armored M1151 Humvee blasting "Welcome To The Jungle" into the arid desert air. "Let's do this, Double Dutch." At press time, the 117-strong force had sprung from their vehicles and breached the school's hallways on foot, equipped with their Jansport backpacks, lunch money, and a surge of adrenaline pounding through their veins.

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