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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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2012 Seniors Thunder Into High School's Parking Lot Like Coalition Forces Entering Baghdad

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Driving up the narrow student-only entrance ramp and plowing over speed bumps as if they were sand dunes, Robert T. Everett High's Class of 2012 thundered through their school's parking lot Monday like the coalition forces storming Baghdad. "You ready to rock, Big Ace?" said 17-year-old senior Brian Grady, removing his sunglasses as he addressed an Aéropostale-shirt-wearing Curtis Jenner, who nodded his head while hanging out the sunroof of a Hyundai Tucson as if it were an armored M1151 Humvee blasting "Welcome To The Jungle" into the arid desert air. "Let's do this, Double Dutch." At press time, the 117-strong force had sprung from their vehicles and breached the school's hallways on foot, equipped with their Jansport backpacks, lunch money, and a surge of adrenaline pounding through their veins.

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