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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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2012 Seniors Thunder Into High School's Parking Lot Like Coalition Forces Entering Baghdad

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Driving up the narrow student-only entrance ramp and plowing over speed bumps as if they were sand dunes, Robert T. Everett High's Class of 2012 thundered through their school's parking lot Monday like the coalition forces storming Baghdad. "You ready to rock, Big Ace?" said 17-year-old senior Brian Grady, removing his sunglasses as he addressed an Aéropostale-shirt-wearing Curtis Jenner, who nodded his head while hanging out the sunroof of a Hyundai Tucson as if it were an armored M1151 Humvee blasting "Welcome To The Jungle" into the arid desert air. "Let's do this, Double Dutch." At press time, the 117-strong force had sprung from their vehicles and breached the school's hallways on foot, equipped with their Jansport backpacks, lunch money, and a surge of adrenaline pounding through their veins.

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