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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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2013 Puppy Bowl Teams To Be Coached By Two Dogs From Same Litter

NEW YORK—For the first time in its nine-year history, Animal Planet’s annual Puppy Bowl will feature a coaching matchup between puppies from the same litter, with two 14-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog brothers calling the plays for Puppy Bowl IX, sources confirmed Thursday. “Whether they want the attention or not, the battle of wits between Gunner and Zeus will be all anyone’s talking about come game day,” said Jezebel editor Doug Barry, noting that the puppies, who were raised together on a rural Ohio farm, displayed a knack for strategy and barking orders from an early age. “We already know these dogs are masters at moving the football chew toy down the field—the question will be how they respond to the combined pressure of sibling rivalry and performing on puppy football’s biggest stage.” The two coaches, along with the 62 puppies under their command, will reportedly be available for adoption at animal shelters throughout the country following the game.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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