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2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific

WASHINGTON—Citing a succession of tragedies that have darkened the majority of 2013, including the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladeshi garment building collapse, and yesterday’s Oklahoma tornado, media outlets across the nation confirmed today that their end-of-the-year news slideshows are looking rather horrific so far. “We’re still in May, and this thing’s already turning out to be a real soul-crusher,” said CNN web producer Kim Benson of their website’s 2013 “Year In Photos” feature, which is reportedly “packed to the gills” with horror and misery despite containing only five months’ worth of material so far. “I mean, the Texas fertilizer plant explosion; the New Orleans Mother’s Day Parade shooting; the continuing Syrian genocide; fucking Ariel Castro. This thing’s a doozy already. And remember, it’s not even storm season yet and murder rates spike in the summer.” At press time, sources confirmed we still had seven more months of this goddamned year.

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