2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific

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Vol 49 Issue 21

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror

After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and repeal the Authorization for Use of Military Force that was enacted after Sept.

Timeline Of The War On Terror

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific

WASHINGTON—Citing a succession of tragedies that have darkened the majority of 2013, including the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladeshi garment building collapse, and yesterday’s Oklahoma tornado, media outlets across the nation confirmed today that their end-of-the-year news slideshows are looking rather horrific so far. “We’re still in May, and this thing’s already turning out to be a real soul-crusher,” said CNN web producer Kim Benson of their website’s 2013 “Year In Photos” feature, which is reportedly “packed to the gills” with horror and misery despite containing only five months’ worth of material so far. “I mean, the Texas fertilizer plant explosion; the New Orleans Mother’s Day Parade shooting; the continuing Syrian genocide; fucking Ariel Castro. This thing’s a doozy already. And remember, it’s not even storm season yet and murder rates spike in the summer.” At press time, sources confirmed we still had seven more months of this goddamned year.

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